Five Tips For Handling Rejection
Use rejection as an opportunity to move forward with more wisdom.
Getting rejected is a confidence assault on so many levels because it reduces you to below the level you were before you mustered the courage to try. Especially if you don’t see it coming, it can make you feel like you can’t trust your gut and therefore, you should never try again. When we suffer a great disappointment, we will naturally spend a period grieving, shocked and heartbroken. But after the tears are shed, we have to move forward. We deserve more.
Here are some tips to give you some grounding if this just happened to you.
1. Don’t take it personally.
Just because someone didn't choose you doesn't mean they're right. That might sound like a mockery of your sanity, but getting rejected only means that it wasn’t the right fit. It doesn’t mean that anything is unacceptable or inadequate about you. When it comes to love or a job, there’s only one correct answer — and it’s either you or it’s not. If it isn’t you, then keep moving until you find a better fit. Success is a numbers game and the more you try, the more you improve on yourself, and the greater your chances are of finding what you’re searching for. Usually when things don't work out it's because there is something far better waiting for us, and frustratingly, this something sometimes turns out to be in total contrast to our current desires.
2. Look for lessons.
A lot of time rejection hurts so much that we turn our disappointment and anguish in on ourselves. This is a natural reaction to abandonment, but not a very invigorating one. Believing that we got rejected because we weren’t good enough is self-defeating and delusional. This may the time to compare our expectations to our reality. Take notice of what this can reveal to us areas that need our attention. When we go through rejection, there is a lot to be gleaned from examining what we were thinking – what wasn’t true, and also the truth that we didn’t know. For example, if you got dumped and you didn’t see it coming, now’s a time to examine the signs leading up to this that you might have missed. There will be clear information that it’s up to you to excavate. It’s not about blame it’s about using the pain so that you can avoid more of it in the future. The most difficult experiences can become great gifts of growth and change – it comes down to a choice. Step out of the role of victim and keep your eyes focused on what it is you want more of in your life.
3. Give yourself a pat on the back.
The most boring people I have ever met are the people that have had the most painless lives. Have you been to dinner with these people? It’s as if their lives have been devoid of passion. They never laugh as loudly or savour their food as much as the real survivors at the table. You learn an immense amount of practical experience after a break-up or dismissal, not to mention, as a person you grow deeper and more compassionate. The most harrowing experiences build the most character. So recognise this growth as something that has happened for you, whether you can see it or not, and know that it’s not going to ruin you. Everyone thinks that their soul and spirit will be somehow be poisoned forever. Nah. But it is going to suck for awhile. Keep going through the motions of self-care and ensure you don’t perpetuate a depressed emotional state. Despite what every cell in your body is telling you, this isn’t forever.
4. Check your perspective.
When it comes to something you really wanted, rejection feels like the end of all joy. This is what being blindsided by pain does to you. Keep going through the motions and practising diligent self-care. Your life will have many great times and many (although exponentially less) shitty times. That is part of what it means to be alive. Know that others are feeling exactly as you are this second, and if you’re suffering right now — close your eyes and send them love. This pain is not your definition. It’s just something that happened in the epic that is your beautiful and varied life. For a bit of inspiration, look to those in your family (or history) for the rejections they overcame. Rejection happens to everyone worth knowing, and has throughout time.
5. Timing is a major part of life.
The first person who opened a supermarket in the UK? My ex’s grandfather. After he visited the US and saw they were everywhere. But it bombed because no-one was ready for it. If you tried and failed, it doesn’t mean that the next time won’t be just right. Remember the factors that influence your life are infinite. Think of this as a series of decisions that created a cause and effect, all of which lead you to this point right now. The next time you decide to take a chance — in love or career — it might be the perfect moment for the stars to align.
BONUS: Maybe they’re just jerks.
I say that in all honesty. Jerks reject amazing people all the time. Historically, take a look at some of the most talented musicians and artists that were snubbed countless times: van Gogh, Kafka, Robert Johnson, Emily Dickinson. It’s a Wonderful Life was a flop at the box office. It’s only on TV during the holidays because it was free to license. Most jerks don’t have particularly great taste, either.
The most important thing I can tell you about rejection is use this moment in time to focus inward and build yourself. When you have love and faith in the value of yourself, and who you are, that extends beyond what anyone else says or thinks. If this was a job you didn’t get, care enough about your craft that you continue to do it anyway. Because popular opinion isn’t necessarily good. And at the end of the day, all you ever have is yourself.
The most valuable asset you can foster is your best self. That includes your voice, your beliefs, your gifts, and giving yourself to them to the best of your abilities. What someone else thinks is their issue — not yours. When you have executed something to your best abilities, let the rest go. There will be times in your life when you’ll be the only person in the room who’s on your side, and I can tell you first hand, it’s a profound reminder to stay true to yourself. If you give your all, you have honoured yourself. Everything outside of that is out of your control. Recognise that limit and accept it with peace.
Everything is temporary. The value of all things will shift. The beliefs of those outside of you are theirs and not yours. It’s not your job to read minds or become someone else’s idea of perfection. It’s your job to invest in yourself, respect yourself, and try your best. Make that your benchmark for success. If someone didn’t want you, that’s their loss.
Focus on self-acceptance, assured that you did your best and proud of that fact. Once you understand and acknowledge what is out of your control, all the rejection gets a lot easier – because it is what it is. Someone else’s opinion, a conclusion that must be mourned – a coincidence that does not define you as a person. I believe that experiences arrive in our lives to teach us things that we need for something more important in the future, and not all of these experiences are pleasant. So whatever rejection you’re suffering, give yourself the space to heal and then get back up again. Your life is just as worthy and beautiful as it was before this happened. Focus on the direction of where you want to go and move ahead.